Travel: Western Caribbean cruise on the Norwegian Epic

By Ray Hanania

Norwegian Epic Cruise deck

We cruised the Eastern Caribbean and the ports of the St. Thomas, St. Marten and Nassau in November 2013 over Thanksgiving and we decided to do it again over Thanksgiving in 2014, this time visiting the port cities of Ocho Rios, Cozumel and George Town in the Cayman Islands.

We enjoyed the Norwegian Epic a lot, mainly because of the stops, the Water Slides for the kids and the phenomenal entertainment that featured the must-see live performance of The Blue Man Group. The Blue Man Group is a show that everyone should see not just once but many times, and they are exclusive to the Norwegian Epic, which is why we decided to chose them instead of another cruise line for this cruise tour. The Blue Man Group is the most entertaining and enjoyable live show I have seen.

Norwegian Epic falls short in some areas, like food and on-board swimming pool, but it makes up for that with the three giant water slides and the “bowl” which was so much fun to try. Between the water slides and the Blue Man Group, my teenage son loved the trip more than we could have imagined.

Norwegian Epic one of the buffet stations

But, like I said, the food on board the ship is just OK. The dining areas are good, so we opted to pay extra to enjoy the specialty restaurants each night to avoid the unruly, sloppy crowds that sloshed their way into the main dining room like it was their home kitchens in the middle of the night.

One of the big problems with the Norwegian Epic is that you haven’t finished paying for things once you have booked the cruise. We had to pay for Internet that just doesn’t work. This is our second trip and the $100 I spent for 250 minutes of Internet time on each cruise was such a disappointment, despite the great Blue Man Group and water slide, we’re ding another cruise line next time. There’s no option when it comes to the Internet. It’s a necessity and it would be nice if the Norwegian Epic took that amenity as serious as they do the room accommodations, which were nice.

Inside La Cucina in the Norwegian Epic

We had to pay extra for good meals. We ate each night at a specialty restaurant including twice at the Hibatchi restaurant, Teppanyaki, which was a lot of fun. Cagney’s Steak House, which was good. And the Brazilian style steak house, Moderno, twice. It was THAT Good. We also tried Le Bistro, French cuisine, just to break up the monotony of the meals. And we enjoyed La Cucina,which featured Italian food in a very decorative, nice lower deck setting. It was part of the Ultimate Dining Package which only cost us $357.

There is lots to do on the ship, but I couldn’t find a place to smoke any cigars. The people on the cruise vary in decency. So many foreigners are just obnoxious and don’t care. We were sitting at a corner view on deck with 3 lounge chairs enjoying the view when an Indian family parked themselves on our seats while we were sitting down. These were Indian Americans! So rude. I had to threaten them with scowls and grunts in Arabic to scare the crap out of of them to get them to leave and show people respect. That was fun.

Our little place in cruise Heaven

Our little place in cruise Heaven

Reserving your lounge chairs is a necessity anywhere on a beach or a cruise line deck

But nearby was a loud-mouthed woman who just couldn’t stop telling everyone on the ship that she was from Texas. Yes Tex-ASS! Shut up lady. No one wants to hear your endless blowhard silly pointless stories while your husband gets sloshed on beers — that cost quite a bit, too.

Alcohol and drinks on the ship are costly and are not a part of the package. We had to buy a drink package. The alcohol package has to be purchased for all adults in your group, at around $100 a day. I couldn’t imagine drinking $800 in alcohol during the cruise, until you see the prices, of course. So we opted for the lesser all pop and cola drink package for $140 for the three of us. They give you a plastic Mug that you carry around and get refilled. (There are juices, and water in the cafeteria, if you don’t mind getting down with the sows.

There is a lot of deck space to find chairs and relax but it can get crowded. The ship carries more than 4,000 passengers and crew. That’s a lot for even the largest ship.

There are six Hot tubs on the Norwegian Epic

I slipped while walking down one of the deck stairs on the outside deck near the pool and jammed several fingers including my ring finger, and cut my leg, arm and hand. They have a medical center on board and it turned out that the young Doctor on board knew my family from Barranquilla, Colombia where he is from. Nice guy. They still have to investigate what happened and filled out all the accident forms. They obviously have to protect themselves from people who are looking to file lawsuits over anything. It’s better than playing the Lottery. The doctor had to cut off my three-braided gold wedding ring, which was not easy when my finger was swollen and turning blue. And they took x-rays. There was no added cost for it all and I assumed responsibility for the fall. The doctor noted that they have a dozen accidents on board every day, not to mention a few travelers who never make it back to the ship in time for sailing.

We had three port stops and we planned one day of activities at Cozumel, a split day of tourism (zip lining for my wife) and beach at the Riu for my son and I in Ocho Rios, and a day of luxury at the Royal Palms Resort in Grand Cayman Islands.

Ready to return to Cozumel Porto Langosta Plaza on the dune buggies from Playa Morena beach

Playa Morena, Cozumel, Mexico

Beachbuffet at Playa Morena in Cozumel, Mexico Dune Buggy excursion

We booked a 4-wheel drive dune buggy day excursion for Cozumel. That’s a caravan of dune buggies that drive from the port to a beach and tour the island. I’d been there many times before and the place has definitely changed. The excursion took us to the east ocean-side of the island where we swam and enjoyed a decent Mexican meal under a nice tent. It wasn’t bad but the water was too rough.

While in Cozumel, we also hung around the downtown area near the cruise port docks, Punta Langosta Pier, which is packed with tourist trap junk shops. We walked along the waterfront and had a nice lunch at a hotel restaurant overlooking the water, The Barracuda Hotel.

It was small, had a tiny pool but lots of kids. And turns out it’s a Gay and Lesbian hangout. Bit we had a great meal there on the outdoor patio by the pool overlooking the Cozumel waters. The Barracuda Hotel is best known as a divers hangout, too.

View from the Barracuda Hotel patio where we ate

What’s Cozumel, Mexico with a Senior Frogs?

tourist stand at Cozumel port

Norwegian Epic docking at Cozumel next to the smaller Norwegian Sun

In Jamaica, we split up and my wife went on the Zipline tour and my son and I spent the morning walking around downtown Ocho Rios, hassled by many needy people who wanted to be our guides. We finally relented and walked through the downtown area while the man pointed out the sites and some history. I gave him $20 for his time, which was equivalent to $2,200 Jamaica Dollars.

Coconut stand in Ocho Rios

Downtown Ocho Rios

Downtown Ocho Rios, Jamaica

At 11 am, we were booked to go to the Riu in Ocho Rios. I was a little hesitant about Jamaica. My last trip to Jamaica wasn’t a good one. I didn’t like the resort we stayed at the year before in Negril, the Grand Palladium Lady Hamilton.

The beach there was so small and there were flies everywhere. I was hesitant to try the Riu, but the place turned out to be phenomenal. I really hated the trip to the Grand Palladium Lady Hamilton,  but who knows, maybe I shouldn’t be so critical. I expected so much more from them and there was a lot the hotel could have done to make it a better stay by paying more attention to the needs of the guests instead of to themselves, and cleaning up the beach. Here’s my review of that trip.

But the Riu Ocho Rios was simply phenomenal. I am definitely going back there.

Riu Ocho Rios beach and jerk chicken outdoor barbecue

Riu Ocho Rios beach scene

Beachfront at the Riu Ocho Rios, Jamaica

Riu Ocho Rios beach view from water

Riu Ocho Rios beachfront

Riu Ocho Rios pool area

The Riu in Ocho Rios has a beautiful beachfront that is large and expansive. There are a lot of palm trees for shade and many lounge chairs to relax. And, it had a wonderful pool area. Plus, the hotel hosted an outdoor barbecue where they offered jerk chicken, rice and black beans and even fresh coconuts that you could drink from. Free. Drinks were free, too.

It was a day trip, which means the hotel allows cruise guests to enjoy their facilities for a fee. It only cost about $90 per person ($180 for the two of us.) It was well worth it.

We grabbed a cab from the cruise port in Ocho Rios, after walking through the town in the morning. I could have taken one of the tourist cabs which rip you off — they wanted $30 US to drive us to the resort which was about 2 miles down the road. We walked to the mainstreet and hailed a cab that had people in it.

Port Ocho Rios tourist stands

When I leaned in and asked how much the cab ride was, he said $200.

I said, “$200 dollars? You have to be kidding?” That was before I realized $200 was Jamaican dollars and less than $2 each. I told him I’d give him $20 and he said get in.

When he dropped us off, I handed him the $20 US and he gave me back $18 US. I was surprised by his honesty and I gave him a $10 US tip.

After show picture with a member of the Blue Man Group and my son Aaron.

The ride included four other ladies who were sitting int he front and back and we crowded ourselves in and listened to the Jamaican chatter as we crawled down the road through traffic. I thought my son would appreciate that experience more than an overpriced tourist targeting cab ride.

The water at the Riu Ocho Rios was beautiful. So clean and clear. We really had a lot of fun there. It was a day trip, so we returned by cab to the boat about 30 minutes before it was to depart. My wife loved the zip lining.

Our third stop was to be the Cayman Islands where I had booked a day of luxury in the sun and a private Cabana at the beautiful Royal Palms Hotel in George Town. But the waters were so rough the cruise ship had to skip the port. I was disappointed. That was going to be my one stop where I would relax and smoke cigars the whole day and enjoy the beautiful waters of the Cayman Islands.

Last year’s excursion to the Bahamas was so disappointing. The Bahamas have been ruined by tourism and over building of the Atlantis Water Park which has eaten up most of the beach area with dirty shark pools and stingray pools and water slides. The nice thing was that because the ship never docked, they didn’t charge me for the day trip there which was only $100 for the three of us. We’d buy our own food and drinks, which I didnt mind. Served by a waiter. We would have had a cabana and three chairs in front, right on the beach, that would be reserved just for us.

Oh the humanity of it all lost! Sigh!

Port Ocho Rios tourist stands

The two places I definitely will go back to is the Riu in Ocho Rios. I am so happy I found a great vacation spot in Jamaica. I was so worried about what has happened to tourism there. I’ve spent half my life there with relatives and friends since the 1970s — of course in 45 years, a lot sure does change although Rick’s Cafe in Negril is still brilliant and worth every penny.

The Norwegian Epic has a casino, many floors with music and a big screen TV, a dance floor, and casual dining restaurants that I never got to explore. The ship doesn’t do a good job of telling you what’s on board and you pretty much have to explore on your own, which is good and bad because you might find a gem and you might miss a gem. No matter what the deal they offer, it still will cost $3,000 for three people including the “Children free” option. With the taxes and the mandatory tip you are required to give to the cruise employees ($252 at the start of the trip), it all adds up, and that doesn’t include the drink or food packages, or any of the excursions.

Norwegian Epic Ice Bar

One bar we did try was the Ice Bar. This is literally a bar made completely out of Ice in a room that is chilled to sub-arctic freezing temperatures. You put on a fur lined coat with a hood and gloves and go inside and enjoy two drinks. It’s the one place where Vodka tastes great.

I realize Vodka doesn’t taste as good unless them temperature is below Zero! We didn’t stay long enough to finish our drinks, but it was really something to experience.

Norwegian Epic Ice Bar

Norwegian Epic Ice Bar

Travel: Ft. Lauderdale, by Water Taxi

By Ray Hanania

Ft. Lauderdale beachfront view from the Hilton

On our second cruise on the Norwegian Epic, this time doing the Western Caribbean itinerary (we did the Eastern Caribbean in November 2013), we decided to spend a few days on land before boarding the boat in Miami, Florida.

So we booked a two night stay in Ft. Lauderdale, which for me was a nostalgia trip that brought back distant memories from my fraternity (Theta Chi) Spring Break when I was in college at Northern Illinois University back in the summer of 1972. It was Daytona Beach then further south to the warm waters of Ft. Lauderdale.

It definitely has changed a lot. Of course, and so have I, now with a family and a young son, too. But Ft. Lauderdale was a beautiful place to stay and enjoy the tourist attractions, even if the beach in November was warm but still not warm enough to swim.

I booked a room at the Hilton Ft. Lauderdale Beach Resot right along the beachfront on Atlantic Blvd. The room was described to me as a “loft” when we checked in and I almost had a stroke. But, fortunately, I held my temper until we got to the room, and it was pretty nice. It was a typical, standard room with two Queen size beds, small kitchenette, bath and a large balcony with chairs and a table (behind two glass sliding doors). It was $250 a night, but they offer free WiFi for unlimited devices.

View from the Ft. Lauderdale Hilton Beach hotel

View from the Ft. Lauderdale Hilton Beach hotel

The balcony had a nice northwestern view of the ocean, and the stunning W Hotel next door, and the northeastern view of Ft. Lauderdale. The W Hotel was far enough away so there was a lot of open space to enjoy the oceanfront and city.

We checked in late, but were up early and had the breakfast buffet. It wasn’t bad. It was a little cramped but they had an omelette chef and a nice spread of basic sides like bacon, ham, cheeses and Nova Lox, bagels and more. From the breakfast dining area, which wrapped itself around a bar area (Ilios Bar), you could look outside at the spacious outdoor pool which was on the hotel’s 6th Floor Sunrise Terrace. It was definitely very pricey, about $40 each for the buffet.

The beach front is very narrow along the north beach, across the very busy Atlantic Blvd. But that wasn’t too much of an inconvenience at all. And, if the weather had been warmer (again, it was in November so we didn’t expect hot weather at all), we might have spent the day leisurely enjoying the beach. Instead, after breakfast, we decided to take a nice walk along the beachfront.

Man-O-War Jelly Fish beached at Ft. Lauderdale (which really isn’t a jelly fish at all).

The beach was covered with broken chunks of jelly fish. It made for an interesting trek.

We did stumble across a lot of beached Portuguese Man-O-War jellyfish. The had a blue ridge along their vertical “back” and tentacles. Many were still alive. We were smart enough not to actually touch any of them, but they were fascinating to inspect as they washed up on the brown sand beachfront, and then washed back into the chilled brine with the morning surf.

You could still rent lounge chairs from vendors on the beach, but we decided to just keep walking along the beach. By chance, we decided to cross over and check out some of the shops along Atlantic Blvd. We walked about 7 blocks and ended up on Cortez Street. We noticed that facing east was the ocean, but facing west was a large water canal and some beautiful buildings. So on an exploratory hunch, we decided to just walk toward the canal and see what was there.

Our first Water Taxi boarding zone in Ft. Lauderdale

What we found was a public pier and what looked like a water taxi stand with full color maps. Turns out it was one of 19 stops on Ft. Lauderdale’s phenomenal Water Taxi route. The tickets, which we bought on the Water Taxi, cost $22 a person. The total cost for the three of us was $66. It seems steep although the tickets are good all day and we learned you could board a taxi and get on and off at any stops using the same tickets. With 18 stops, (plus two additional Whistle Stops), there was a lot to see. And the map was pretty detailed. So, we hopped on the first Water Taxi boat that pulled up, southbound headed towards Hollywood. They increased prices recently to $26 per person.

The nice thing is that each Water Taxi has a driver and a tour guide who points out every major attraction along the Water Taxi route. There are a lot of stores, buildings and even huge yachts. But the most fascinating sites are when you enter the exclusive man-made islands on the canal where the super rich and the famous live in wild luxury.

I just thought Ft. Lauderdale was a college vacation town. Who knew it was an investment for the wealthiest of the world?

Shops along the Las Olas strip, Ft. Lauderdale

Each stop has clearly marked round signs in color and number designating where you are at and which “route” you can see. There are several different routes. The Yellow are for the New River Route The Blue and most frequent are for the Ft. Lauderdale Route, and the Pink take you to Hollywood, which has some great malls and shops. The map they give you also indicates restaurants.

We stopped pretty much at nearly every stop. We would walk around and then return to the Water Taxi stop again and re-boarded to go to the next stop. The boats vary in size from 19 passengers to 140 passengers, and most have a canopy to cover you in case it rains. And who knows, with Global Warming, we might even have to worry about snow down in Florida, the weather in this country is getting that bad!

Steak at 15th Street Fisheries

One of the restaurant stops that we decided to try out was the 15th Street Fisheries were we had a nice lunch. It was an open air restaurant that specialized in fish and steak and the meal was costly, $143. But who isn’t going to try the 3 Pound Lobster?

The one disappointment at the 15th Street Fisheries was that they promised a discount when you traveled there by Water Taxi but instead of a discount, they offered a small cup of Italian Ice. I thought that was a little misleading and I was very disappointed. They didn’t need to exaggerate since they are right there on the waterway and you can’t miss it. And most tourists know they will be paying premiums for food. It was the worst part of the trip and if we go again, I’ll definitely try a different restaurant, even if it isn’t directly on the Water Taxi route.

We spent the entire day and early evening exploring Ft. Lauderdale using the Water Taxis. There was so much to see, next time, I plan on staying a week at Ft. Lauderdale, during the summer months, and exploring more of this wonderful city.

Las Olas, a beautiful stretch of Ft. Lauderdale from the oceanfront into the city itself is a must-see for shopping and enjoying the classy atmosphere of the shops and restaurants. But there is so much. The New River Route was phenomenal. There were so many great restaurants there, too, along with nice shops.

One of the beautiful homes along the waterfront

But the best part of the Water Taxi is the trip through the multi-million dollar homes that hug Las Olas Blvd that cuts through East Ft. Lauderdale. Some of these homes are amazing and include one owned by Sonny and Cher (before they lied in their song “I’ve Got You Babe” and suggested they would be together forever.) Wayne Huizenga has invested heavily in land, property and owns many of the biggest homes that he bought for his family members. Each one has a huge yacht parked “curbside” in the waterway in front of the homes. And we’re not talking about the puny yachts you find birthed in Chicago’s lakeside wharfs. We’re talking skyscrapers in water. Like the homes, they are extravagant and huge. They cost millions to own and hundreds of thousands every few months to operate and gas up.

Ft. Lauderdale Water Front

Ft. Lauderdale yachts

The guides on the Water Taxi never miss the opportunity to point out the most extravagant and jaw-dropping yachts and homes.

While I planned on our Ft. Lauderdale stop to be just an interlude in preparation for our second cruise on the Norwegian Epic (which features the huge waterslides my son enjoys), I didn’t expect Ft. Lauderdale to be so much fun.

Next time, it’s worth more nights or a vacation stay by itself. Although honestly, it is disturbing to have to see all that wealth in the nosebleed section of the rich and famous.

(Ray Hanania is an award winning columnist. He is the managing editor of The Illinois News Network at www.IllinoisNewsNetwork.com.)